it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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