I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
