Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
