getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
