i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
