I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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