It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
