Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
