the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
