Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My pussy is not your playground.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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