i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
