Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
