Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
