Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize