and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
