I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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