was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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