i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
