Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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