Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
