Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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