Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
