Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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