I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
