At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
