dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
