a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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