After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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