mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
