I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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