I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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