If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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