Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
