At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
