you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
