Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
