OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
