how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
