every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
