i think my tv is drunk
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
