I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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