i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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