you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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