casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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