That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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