I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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