My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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