I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
