Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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