You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
