as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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