I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
