I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
