i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
