Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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