My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
