Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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